When a woman comes to you for help or you suspect there may be violence in the home, there are several specific things to keep in mind. Problems associated with domestic violence are difficult to work through. Usually patters of abuse have existed for a long time and unless you are a professionally trained counselor (with an education in domestic violence), entering into a long-term counseling or therapy situation may interfere with you ability to relate and minister to all parties. These pastoral relationships need to be preserved.

The response of clergy and laity to the religious crisis caused by domestic violence can be a resource for victims. The following guidelines may prove helpful; however, as a clergy person, be aware that the life of the victim may be in immediate danger and safety is the first concern.

1. Ask the question. Women rarely come in and announce they have been battered. Women may come for counseling and speak in terms that are general or vague. Develop ways of asking specific and direct question such as, "Are you in danger?" "Has he hit you?" "What does he do when he gets angry?" Listen to the woman and understand her situation; uncover abuse; recognize panic and fear. Believe her assessment of a life threatening situation and the potential danger to her from her husband’s violence. Do not discount her fears that he may try to kill her if she leaves, or that if she stays she may end up dead.
   
   
2. Believe her! Battered women will often be telling you the minimal truth, not an exaggerated version. There are many things a battered woman fears and the fear of not being believed is a strong one. This fear will be compounded in religious settings when her husband chairs a board, sings in the choir or is a "pillar of the community." It is important for her to break the silence by describing what is happening to her. Telling you the story is embarrassing for her. She is not likely to exaggerate.
   
   
3. Listen to her and affirm her feelings. It is crucial that clergy respond with affirmation and without judgment to a battered woman. Let her be your teach and educator. Be a listener. Listen without blaming. The important thing for you to learn is what she feels will be helpful for her safety and well-being. Active and respectful listening may be more important than theological answers.
   
   
4. If a couple comes to you for counseling because of violent episodes in the relationship or if you discover in the course of counseling a couple that violence occurs in their relationship, we strongly recommend that your refer the battered woman to, or consult with a local domestic violence program or a counselor trained in treating domestic violence victims. In most cases, each partner will be referred to separate counselors or to a support group for victims or a treatment group for batterers. The victim must be assisted in taking steps to provide for her safety.